It's Saturday. Normally we would be going to church but since my life is no longer "normal," my daughter and I are staying home today, for the second weekend in a row. I've been somewhat conflicted about what to do about church and the Sabbath. I'm not much of a "Sabbath-keeper" as it is, but now I feel even less motivated than usual.
I don't take my daughter to our home church any longer because I feel the need to keep her away from the other kids. Primarily, it is because I don't know from whom she got her drugs or with whom she partied. But also, she has gone through a lot of social turmoil over the last three years and I don't want to put her back into that mix until she has built up her confidence and learned new coping skills.
I could say that that is why I haven't been to church and leave it at that, but the truth is, I don't want to go. I'm not angry at God or the religion or anything like that. I have wonderful friends and acquaintances there and I'm sure, if they knew what was going on, they would be so supportive. But going to church means dressing up and smiling and making small talk and pretending like there is nothing wrong. Or it means having to talk with friends who do know, about how we are coping and what we are doing. Neither of those options seems particularly appealing right now.
Some of my family members who are very conservative religiously, feel it's a mistake to neglect church at this point. Over the years, different family members have said to me, "You're going to do what you think is best," which is not meant as a compliment but is said out of exasperation because I am not doing what they are telling me to do. One person has told me more than a few times that we "are in this mess" because I am not running my household and raising my children the way the religion says I should.
The religion says I should be turning to God now, asking for guidance, praying for wisdom, putting my fate in His hands. My life experience says to explore my options, seek the help of professionals, go with my gut. By doing those things, I feel like I AM putting my fate in His hands, receiving His wisdom. I trust that God is with me even if I am not sitting in the pews on Saturday mornings and that He understands why.
Wish I could be there to give you a hug right now! Trust your instincts, and don't listen to those who are tearing you down. God is not punishing you - He is holding you up, and giving you the strength and the wisdom and the courage you need to get through this. And just so you know - if you DO choose to come to church (and it's totally OK NOT to!), you don't have to talk about this or pretend everything is fine. You can just be yourself - and you will be loved and accepted and supported.
ReplyDelete