understanding the first step

"We admitted that we are powerless over alcohol -
 that our lives had become unmanageable."

AA/Al-Anon Step 1

As I mentioned in a previous post, I am struggling with the First Step. I sit in the Al-Anon meetings and I can see why this is such an important step for other people. Wives are lying for their alcoholic spouses, to their families, to his job, to herself. Parents are spending all their time and energy (and money) trying to get their kids clean. Adults who grew up in alcoholic homes spend their lives trying to gain or maintain control and/or learn to trust another human being and themselves. Their whole life is about covering up and centered on the addict.

None of these people are me. While I admit that I have had to spend a lot of time, energy and money this past month, I have still managed to connect with friends, to write and journal, and to take time for myself. I am managing to keep a cap on my medical costs (thanks in no small part to my health insurance). I feel like I have not gone completely crazy yet. (Although I suppose one of the hallmarks of being crazy is not knowing that you are.)

I've been reading a few paragraphs of Paths to Recovery: Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts every morning. This is a book that explains each of the Steps, Traditions, and Concepts in detail and explains how to work them. I am slowly beginning to understand that Step 1 is so much deeper than the words, on their surface, would lead you believe.

"The first word of the First Step illustrates an important concept to Al-Anon recovery: We are not alone....We who live or have lived with the problem of [addiction] understand as perhaps few others can. We, too, were lonely and frustrated, but in Al-Anon/Alateen we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the [addict] is still [using] or not. Just hearing those words may help us to feel that there is hope for us, too." (p. 7)

This is why you can find an Al-Anon meeting in almost every city, almost every night of the week. There aren't very many parents of addicted teenagers at the Al-Anon meetings that I have attended, but I have really been comforted by the few that I have heard share their stories. Some of the most comforting things I learned were that 1) it is not uncommon for kids to begin using in Junior High because that period of transition is so stressful for them and 2) Most of these parents - loving, involved, concerned, middle class parents like me - did not know or recognize that their kids were using until the problem became so out of control that their child could not hide it anymore and 3) everything I am feeling and going through is exactly what other parents are feeling and going through. Now I truly believe that I am not alone in this.

" [Addiction] is a family disease. This means '...the [addiction] of one member affects the whole family, and all become sick. Why does this happen? Unlike diabetes, [addiction] not only exists inside the body of the [addict], but is a disease of relationships as well. Many of the symptoms of [addiction] are in the behavior of the [addict]. The people who are involved with the [addict] react to his behavior. They try to control it, make up for it, or hide it. They often blame themselves for it and are hurt by it. Eventually they become emotionally disturbed themselves.' (Alateen - Hope for Children of Alcoholics) " p. 8

I see the truth of this paragraph when I look at my relationship with my daughter's father, my ex-husband. I think he and I have argued more in the past month than we did in the nine years we were married. Normally, we get along ok and work together to try to do what is best for the kids. But the issues around her addiction and the decisions about treatment have put us completely at odds with each other.

"In Al-Anon we discover principles that work for us and help us to relate to others. Al-Anon helps us learn new ways to have healthy relationships in all areas of our lives. Step One reminds us of our proper relationship with others - we are powerless over them. It places us in correct relationship with ourselves - when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives. Step One is the true beginning of our path to recovery." (p. 10)

I am powerless over my daughter.
I am powerless over my ex-husband.
I am powerless over addiction.

When I spend my time and energy trying to change those three things, I do not have time and energy for those things that I do have control (mainly myself) and *MY* life becomes unmanageable. It is now, in this new light, that I take the First Step.