Hard to believe it's been more than a week since I posted last. School has started and my son is living with his dad during the week, coming to my house only on the weekends. My daughter is finishing up her second week at the Eating Disorder house. I haven't gone to any Al-anon meetings lately and have not read the daily devotionals for several days now. It's like I am in limbo, waiting for whatever comes next.
Last Sunday I went to visit my daughter and since she was allowed to leave the house for the afternoon, we saw the movie, "The Help." Charming film. Weird though, in a way, because we couldn't go out to eat. She plans out her menu everyday and is not allowed to stray from it. I never realized how integral eating out was to our relationship.
Today I'm headed over there to have lunch with her and the therapist. The therapeutic purpose of this meal is to learn to recognize the symptoms of eating disorders. (She'll eat off her meal plan, I need to bring a lunch. Again, very weird that we will not be sharing the same food.)
I have no idea how long insurance will continue to approve her stay at this house. I am toying with the idea of pulling her out of residential and into a day program but not sure why. I guess I am reaching the point where I am ready to move out of limbo.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
leaving it in God's hands
There are only a handful of people in my religious community and my daughter's academic community who know about what is going on. One question that has come up frequently from people who are associated with the school is, "Who did she do drugs with?"
I struggle with what my answer should be. In the letter that my daughter wrote me when she entered rehab, she named names. Some of the kids are still attending that school. I assume the "right" thing to do is to turn over the names to people in authority and yet, something holds me back.
When I first learned about the drug use, I was desperate to protect my daughter; to make sure she never associated with her suppliers ever again. And so I asked her who she used with and promised never to tell anyone who they were. She gave me one name at that time, of a guy who was not returning to the school. I found that highly suspicious. In the letter the list is much longer.
On the one hand, I am reluctant to tell anyone because of the promise I made her, even though it is one I made in desperation. I feel like, if we are to have any hope of building trust, I must keep my word. On the other hand, I am fearful of what people's motivations are for asking me for the names or what they will do with the information.
My pastors and one of my closest friends who happens to work at the school have asked me to share the names so that they can help in their professional capacities. I believe these are the people who should know and I will encourage my daughter to tell them, herself, one day.
I struggle when other people ask, especially other parents. I understand the desire to want to protect your child. If someone knew my daughter was using, I would have wanted them to tell me. And yet, I still hold back.
I hate the thought that this might become gossip, serving no purpose than to make the gossiper feel self-righteous.
I am fearful that another family will be hurt by well-intentioned but clueless others.
And the last thing I want is to launch a crusader who feels they must now save us poor sinners.
I've decided the best thing for me to do right now is to trust that God will reveal to people what they need to know and when they need to know it. And to follow the Al-Anon principle of anonymity. Drug use is no one's business but that of the user and the people who love them. If God gives me the opportunity to share with the parents of one of the kids on the list, I will, and with no one else.
I struggle with what my answer should be. In the letter that my daughter wrote me when she entered rehab, she named names. Some of the kids are still attending that school. I assume the "right" thing to do is to turn over the names to people in authority and yet, something holds me back.
When I first learned about the drug use, I was desperate to protect my daughter; to make sure she never associated with her suppliers ever again. And so I asked her who she used with and promised never to tell anyone who they were. She gave me one name at that time, of a guy who was not returning to the school. I found that highly suspicious. In the letter the list is much longer.
On the one hand, I am reluctant to tell anyone because of the promise I made her, even though it is one I made in desperation. I feel like, if we are to have any hope of building trust, I must keep my word. On the other hand, I am fearful of what people's motivations are for asking me for the names or what they will do with the information.
My pastors and one of my closest friends who happens to work at the school have asked me to share the names so that they can help in their professional capacities. I believe these are the people who should know and I will encourage my daughter to tell them, herself, one day.
I struggle when other people ask, especially other parents. I understand the desire to want to protect your child. If someone knew my daughter was using, I would have wanted them to tell me. And yet, I still hold back.
I hate the thought that this might become gossip, serving no purpose than to make the gossiper feel self-righteous.
I am fearful that another family will be hurt by well-intentioned but clueless others.
And the last thing I want is to launch a crusader who feels they must now save us poor sinners.
I've decided the best thing for me to do right now is to trust that God will reveal to people what they need to know and when they need to know it. And to follow the Al-Anon principle of anonymity. Drug use is no one's business but that of the user and the people who love them. If God gives me the opportunity to share with the parents of one of the kids on the list, I will, and with no one else.
Monday, August 22, 2011
that the works of God might be displayed
"As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth.
His disciples asked him, 'Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents,
that he was born blind?' "
that he was born blind?' "
John 9:1, 2
It's been a tough weekend. It seems like each day I encountered another person who implied (or maybe I just inferred) that if I had been a better Christian, a better mother, that this would not have happened. I am seeing a pattern here - I only feel bad about myself, question my decisions, when I am interacting with religious people.
By the time Sunday evening rolled around, all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and pull the covers over my head. Fortunately I had made plans with a good friend, who ended up spending the evening lifting me out of the self-pitying funk that I was in. (Ironically, this person does not identify with any religion, which also fits the pattern...)
“ 'Neither this man nor his parents sinned,' said Jesus,
'but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.' "
John 9:3
Thank You, God, for sending your Son to be our example.
And thank you for all the wonderful friends, religious and not, who have shown me nothing but love and support.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
sigh...
Yesterday we moved my daughter out of the Dual Diagnosis program and into the Eating Disorder program. I had hoped that her ED was in early enough stages that DD would be enough to address her issues but sadly, that is not the case.
More uncertainty on the horizon...
More uncertainty on the horizon...
Thursday, August 18, 2011
a word (or 900) about shame
On Sunday I went to visit my daughter for the first time since she was admitted to Rehab. She is so full of hope, it was wonderful to see. She was talking about finishing up high school in two years, maybe taking some college classes and working on a singing career. She told me things she had learned about drug addiction, particularly to hard drugs like cocaine and heroine. She had experienced things that she was afraid to tell me about before (like having visual and auditory hallucinations during withdrawal) but that she learned were normal. And she never wants to go through those things again.
She is also learning about eating disorders. Her therapist told her that kids who develop ED have had control issues starting from a very young age, things that happen when they were so young and are buried so deep that sometimes they never uncover them. My daughter talked about when we first moved into our own home without her father (she was just a couple of months shy of turning nine). I used to travel about one week a month for work and my daughter would call me several times a day when I was gone. She told me that she used to be so afraid when I travelled that I wouldn't come home, that I would die in an accident or plane crash.
I suppose I should have realized how stressed my daughter was when she was younger, but I was wrapped up in my own issues and did not see what was happening. I thought that, because I was leaving her in the care of her father and her grandparents whenever I went out of town, that she was fine. Plus, she was always such an easy child, even as a baby. I used to joke about how she would switch so easily between breastfeeding and bottle, as compared to her brother who was much more difficult. He refused to go back and forth between feeding methods so we switched to just bottle-feeding when he was just two weeks.
My daughter was not a child who threw tantrums; the "terrible twos" never happened with her. But during those last few years of my marriage, when things were at their absolute worst, she threw a couple of major, screaming, throwing herself on the floor, kicking tantrums. The first was when she was in first grade, at school (while I was on a business trip). When her teacher asked her why she was so upset (she was probably 5 at the time), my daughter replied that she was "afraid her mom wasn't going to come home." When the teacher asked if she was afraid something would happen to me, my daughter replied, no, that she was just afraid I wouldn't come home. The second tantrum happened about a year later, when the kids and I took a trip at Christmastime without their father for the first time. She had no recollection of either of these incidents.
We talked about what happened and I explained that I didn't think the problem was that I was gone so much but that I was so unhappy during her early years. When she was about 5 or 6, she overheard me talking with a friend on the phone and I laughed out loud at something the other person said. When I hung up, my daughter marveled at hearing me laugh out loud; she had never heard that before. And when I watch videos of myself from when the kids were young, I am mainly a solemn presence in the background, interacting only when someone speaks to me directly.
At the last Al-Anon meeting that I went to, the leader chose shame as the topic for the evening. A few parents (who have young children) shared what life was like before they came to Al-Anon, when they were consumed with trying to control the adult alcoholic in their life. They spoke with great shame and regret about how they were not present and available for their children emotionally. On the flip side, when adult children of alcoholics talk, they often share about how they felt like everything that went wrong was their own fault. That if they had just behaved better, their parent would not have drunk or (or did drugs or let life spiral out of control).
I think that shame and guilt are useless feelings, tools of the devil to keep us from where we could be. They lead to embarassment and the need to keep secrets. As my daughter told me about her fears and wondered aloud why she had control issues, I suppose I could have stayed silent. Let shame and embarrassment about being such a sad and absent mother (both physically and emotionallly) keep me from telling her what she needed to hear. But truthfully, since I am neither ashamed nor do I feel guilty, it came out very naturally, very matter-of-factly. It's just how things were back then and there is nothing I can do to go back and change them.
I think I saw a light come on in my daughter's eyes when she realized that there were things going on that she didn't understand, that had nothing to do with her, but that she took responsibility for and internalized at that young age.
We're having our first therapy session together on Friday and my daughter asked that I tell the therapist all that we talked about, in case she didn't remember to bring them up herself. And I will.
She is also learning about eating disorders. Her therapist told her that kids who develop ED have had control issues starting from a very young age, things that happen when they were so young and are buried so deep that sometimes they never uncover them. My daughter talked about when we first moved into our own home without her father (she was just a couple of months shy of turning nine). I used to travel about one week a month for work and my daughter would call me several times a day when I was gone. She told me that she used to be so afraid when I travelled that I wouldn't come home, that I would die in an accident or plane crash.
I suppose I should have realized how stressed my daughter was when she was younger, but I was wrapped up in my own issues and did not see what was happening. I thought that, because I was leaving her in the care of her father and her grandparents whenever I went out of town, that she was fine. Plus, she was always such an easy child, even as a baby. I used to joke about how she would switch so easily between breastfeeding and bottle, as compared to her brother who was much more difficult. He refused to go back and forth between feeding methods so we switched to just bottle-feeding when he was just two weeks.
My daughter was not a child who threw tantrums; the "terrible twos" never happened with her. But during those last few years of my marriage, when things were at their absolute worst, she threw a couple of major, screaming, throwing herself on the floor, kicking tantrums. The first was when she was in first grade, at school (while I was on a business trip). When her teacher asked her why she was so upset (she was probably 5 at the time), my daughter replied that she was "afraid her mom wasn't going to come home." When the teacher asked if she was afraid something would happen to me, my daughter replied, no, that she was just afraid I wouldn't come home. The second tantrum happened about a year later, when the kids and I took a trip at Christmastime without their father for the first time. She had no recollection of either of these incidents.
We talked about what happened and I explained that I didn't think the problem was that I was gone so much but that I was so unhappy during her early years. When she was about 5 or 6, she overheard me talking with a friend on the phone and I laughed out loud at something the other person said. When I hung up, my daughter marveled at hearing me laugh out loud; she had never heard that before. And when I watch videos of myself from when the kids were young, I am mainly a solemn presence in the background, interacting only when someone speaks to me directly.
At the last Al-Anon meeting that I went to, the leader chose shame as the topic for the evening. A few parents (who have young children) shared what life was like before they came to Al-Anon, when they were consumed with trying to control the adult alcoholic in their life. They spoke with great shame and regret about how they were not present and available for their children emotionally. On the flip side, when adult children of alcoholics talk, they often share about how they felt like everything that went wrong was their own fault. That if they had just behaved better, their parent would not have drunk or (or did drugs or let life spiral out of control).
I think that shame and guilt are useless feelings, tools of the devil to keep us from where we could be. They lead to embarassment and the need to keep secrets. As my daughter told me about her fears and wondered aloud why she had control issues, I suppose I could have stayed silent. Let shame and embarrassment about being such a sad and absent mother (both physically and emotionallly) keep me from telling her what she needed to hear. But truthfully, since I am neither ashamed nor do I feel guilty, it came out very naturally, very matter-of-factly. It's just how things were back then and there is nothing I can do to go back and change them.
I think I saw a light come on in my daughter's eyes when she realized that there were things going on that she didn't understand, that had nothing to do with her, but that she took responsibility for and internalized at that young age.
We're having our first therapy session together on Friday and my daughter asked that I tell the therapist all that we talked about, in case she didn't remember to bring them up herself. And I will.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
ignorance is bliss
Someone posted a comment on Facebook about a tv documentary on the horrors of doing drugs and suggested that all kids who are thinking about experimenting with drugs should watch it. I started to post a (somewhat angry) reply and decided that that was not the right place to vent my anger. So I am doing it here.
I don't believe drug use (and addiction) is a choice. I also don't believe it's a disease. (So now I've probably offended both ends of the spectrum on this topic.) Calling it a "choice" implies that the person is just doing this to piss you off. That they could stop if they wanted to. Calling it a disease like cancer or Alzheimers implies that it strikes anyone at anytime and we have no control over it; it removes all responsibility from the person who is using. Neither of these descriptions fit my newfound experience.
I believe it is a symptom. It's like why a person with a cold coughs or a person with osteoporosis breaks bones easily. It is a symptom that there is something terribly wrong in your life; that you do not have healthy coping skills or outlets for your pain; that you feel you have no control over the world around you and so you change the only thing you think you can which is your mind and state of consciousness. It is also why slogans such as "Just say no" and tv shows that try to scare you straight don't work. The only way to get better is to do the work: Go to meetings, go to therapy, talk about your pain, seek the support of others who have gone through the same thing and made it to the other side.
And to my young Facebook friend, I hope that your life goes smoothly, that you remain forever ignorant about what it means to have an addict in your life.
I don't believe drug use (and addiction) is a choice. I also don't believe it's a disease. (So now I've probably offended both ends of the spectrum on this topic.) Calling it a "choice" implies that the person is just doing this to piss you off. That they could stop if they wanted to. Calling it a disease like cancer or Alzheimers implies that it strikes anyone at anytime and we have no control over it; it removes all responsibility from the person who is using. Neither of these descriptions fit my newfound experience.
I believe it is a symptom. It's like why a person with a cold coughs or a person with osteoporosis breaks bones easily. It is a symptom that there is something terribly wrong in your life; that you do not have healthy coping skills or outlets for your pain; that you feel you have no control over the world around you and so you change the only thing you think you can which is your mind and state of consciousness. It is also why slogans such as "Just say no" and tv shows that try to scare you straight don't work. The only way to get better is to do the work: Go to meetings, go to therapy, talk about your pain, seek the support of others who have gone through the same thing and made it to the other side.
And to my young Facebook friend, I hope that your life goes smoothly, that you remain forever ignorant about what it means to have an addict in your life.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
understanding the first step
"We admitted that we are powerless over alcohol -
that our lives had become unmanageable."
that our lives had become unmanageable."
AA/Al-Anon Step 1
As I mentioned in a previous post, I am struggling with the First Step. I sit in the Al-Anon meetings and I can see why this is such an important step for other people. Wives are lying for their alcoholic spouses, to their families, to his job, to herself. Parents are spending all their time and energy (and money) trying to get their kids clean. Adults who grew up in alcoholic homes spend their lives trying to gain or maintain control and/or learn to trust another human being and themselves. Their whole life is about covering up and centered on the addict.
None of these people are me. While I admit that I have had to spend a lot of time, energy and money this past month, I have still managed to connect with friends, to write and journal, and to take time for myself. I am managing to keep a cap on my medical costs (thanks in no small part to my health insurance). I feel like I have not gone completely crazy yet. (Although I suppose one of the hallmarks of being crazy is not knowing that you are.)
I've been reading a few paragraphs of Paths to Recovery: Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts every morning. This is a book that explains each of the Steps, Traditions, and Concepts in detail and explains how to work them. I am slowly beginning to understand that Step 1 is so much deeper than the words, on their surface, would lead you believe.
"The first word of the First Step illustrates an important concept to Al-Anon recovery: We are not alone....We who live or have lived with the problem of [addiction] understand as perhaps few others can. We, too, were lonely and frustrated, but in Al-Anon/Alateen we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the [addict] is still [using] or not. Just hearing those words may help us to feel that there is hope for us, too." (p. 7)
This is why you can find an Al-Anon meeting in almost every city, almost every night of the week. There aren't very many parents of addicted teenagers at the Al-Anon meetings that I have attended, but I have really been comforted by the few that I have heard share their stories. Some of the most comforting things I learned were that 1) it is not uncommon for kids to begin using in Junior High because that period of transition is so stressful for them and 2) Most of these parents - loving, involved, concerned, middle class parents like me - did not know or recognize that their kids were using until the problem became so out of control that their child could not hide it anymore and 3) everything I am feeling and going through is exactly what other parents are feeling and going through. Now I truly believe that I am not alone in this.
" [Addiction] is a family disease. This means '...the [addiction] of one member affects the whole family, and all become sick. Why does this happen? Unlike diabetes, [addiction] not only exists inside the body of the [addict], but is a disease of relationships as well. Many of the symptoms of [addiction] are in the behavior of the [addict]. The people who are involved with the [addict] react to his behavior. They try to control it, make up for it, or hide it. They often blame themselves for it and are hurt by it. Eventually they become emotionally disturbed themselves.' (Alateen - Hope for Children of Alcoholics) " p. 8
I see the truth of this paragraph when I look at my relationship with my daughter's father, my ex-husband. I think he and I have argued more in the past month than we did in the nine years we were married. Normally, we get along ok and work together to try to do what is best for the kids. But the issues around her addiction and the decisions about treatment have put us completely at odds with each other.
"In Al-Anon we discover principles that work for us and help us to relate to others. Al-Anon helps us learn new ways to have healthy relationships in all areas of our lives. Step One reminds us of our proper relationship with others - we are powerless over them. It places us in correct relationship with ourselves - when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives. Step One is the true beginning of our path to recovery." (p. 10)
I am powerless over my daughter.
I am powerless over my ex-husband.
I am powerless over addiction.
When I spend my time and energy trying to change those three things, I do not have time and energy for those things that I do have control (mainly myself) and *MY* life becomes unmanageable. It is now, in this new light, that I take the First Step.
Friday, August 12, 2011
maybe i should have bought a card from hallmark...
So now that I know my daughter will be staying in Residential for a few more weeks, I decided to send her a card. I like making cards so I thought I'd make one out of a photo that I took a couple of weekends ago. A darling puppy came wandering into our house through our open garage door and I snapped some photos of him, our dog and my daughter. This is one of her favorite pics.
The Center reads all mail that comes in for the residents and will not pass on anything that is inappropriate. I sure hope they give her my card.
The Center reads all mail that comes in for the residents and will not pass on anything that is inappropriate. I sure hope they give her my card.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
its a good day!
I just received some great news!
A couple of days ago I found out that insurance denied our request to have my daughter in a Residential treatment program but approved a Partial Hospitalization program. I could keep her in Residential but would have to pay the difference between Residiential and Partial which was several hundred dollars a day. I was heartsick about having to pull her out after just one day especially since things were going so well.
But after talking with the program's finance people, they have offered me a tremendous discount that allows me to keep my daughter in the program at a daily rate that I can afford.
So for today, I am grateful and ECSTATIC!
A couple of days ago I found out that insurance denied our request to have my daughter in a Residential treatment program but approved a Partial Hospitalization program. I could keep her in Residential but would have to pay the difference between Residiential and Partial which was several hundred dollars a day. I was heartsick about having to pull her out after just one day especially since things were going so well.
But after talking with the program's finance people, they have offered me a tremendous discount that allows me to keep my daughter in the program at a daily rate that I can afford.
So for today, I am grateful and ECSTATIC!
another one of those "when the time is right" lessons
I asked a woman to be my sponsor on Tuesday but it's not working out.
I don't fully understand the sponsor relationship. From what I understand, your sponsor is the person that not only answers questions for you, but provides guidance and instruction when you are struggling. I have been told that you want to find a sponsor in Al Anon relatively quickly and how you choose one is that you sit in meetings and listen, and when someone says something that you can really relate to, then you might want to ask them to be your sponsor.
And in my mind I thought, REALLY? That's all it takes? Someone just "says something" and you're supposed to initiate this really difficult and intimate relationship with that person? But I'm trying to work this program as I understand it so I asked a woman that I met at Tuesday's meeting to be my sponsor after about 3 minutes of conversation. She is a lovely person. When I talk with her, I am impressed with her confidence, calmness and assertiveness. She has 22 years in the program and is mother of a teenager. She is everything I thought I wanted in a sponsor.
When you are beginning a sponsor relationship, you're supposed to call that person everyday for the first 30 days so she and I talked yesterday and today. I realize now that I got exactly what I thought I was supposed to have. Her attitudes and opinions are exactly the same as the religious conservatives in my life that I have to engage with on a daily basis but that I try to distance myself from emotionally. It's just when she says those words, she couches them in "Program" lingo as opposed to religious lingo. Don't get me wrong, she lives the principles and advice that she gives me; there is no hypocrisy here. But she "expects" that I will eventually get to the place that she is at, and to me right now, it feels like it is taking me back to the place where I grew up and to which I hope never to return.
One thing I am learning through this whole process is to trust myself, that I should not - cannot - do anything unless I feel ready to do it. I was not ready to initiate the sponsor relationship and only did so because that is what I thought I was "supposed" to do. When the time is right, and the right sponsor comes along, I trust that I will know it.
I don't fully understand the sponsor relationship. From what I understand, your sponsor is the person that not only answers questions for you, but provides guidance and instruction when you are struggling. I have been told that you want to find a sponsor in Al Anon relatively quickly and how you choose one is that you sit in meetings and listen, and when someone says something that you can really relate to, then you might want to ask them to be your sponsor.
And in my mind I thought, REALLY? That's all it takes? Someone just "says something" and you're supposed to initiate this really difficult and intimate relationship with that person? But I'm trying to work this program as I understand it so I asked a woman that I met at Tuesday's meeting to be my sponsor after about 3 minutes of conversation. She is a lovely person. When I talk with her, I am impressed with her confidence, calmness and assertiveness. She has 22 years in the program and is mother of a teenager. She is everything I thought I wanted in a sponsor.
When you are beginning a sponsor relationship, you're supposed to call that person everyday for the first 30 days so she and I talked yesterday and today. I realize now that I got exactly what I thought I was supposed to have. Her attitudes and opinions are exactly the same as the religious conservatives in my life that I have to engage with on a daily basis but that I try to distance myself from emotionally. It's just when she says those words, she couches them in "Program" lingo as opposed to religious lingo. Don't get me wrong, she lives the principles and advice that she gives me; there is no hypocrisy here. But she "expects" that I will eventually get to the place that she is at, and to me right now, it feels like it is taking me back to the place where I grew up and to which I hope never to return.
One thing I am learning through this whole process is to trust myself, that I should not - cannot - do anything unless I feel ready to do it. I was not ready to initiate the sponsor relationship and only did so because that is what I thought I was "supposed" to do. When the time is right, and the right sponsor comes along, I trust that I will know it.
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