understanding the second step

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity."
AA/Al-Anon Step 2

I've started my daily Al-Anon meditations again and today I am reading about Step Two. Six of the 12 Steps refer to a Higher Power or to God and a seventh step (the last one) talks about having a spiritual awakening. Based on what I am hearing at meetings, it seems like the majority of people in Al-Anon, when they start, are either very angry with God or refuse to believe that there is one. They struggle with turning over control to a Higher Power. I've been a Christian all my life, but in the last six years, have developed an especially close relationship with God so when I read the steps that refer specifically to a Higher Power, I feel like, "I got this." As usual, I got this wrong.

"The basic spiritual principle introduced in Step Two suggests that there is a Power greater than we are that provides hope for sanity, whether we are living with active alcoholism or not. Step Two reaffirms that we may be powerless, but we are not helpless, and we are not alone. "

Paths to Recovery: Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts, p. 18

The concept of a Higher Power is not a point of debate. It is not about whether there is a God, or why He allows bad things to happen. It is about believing that there is something MORE, something bigger out there that can make things better. That we are not alone in this struggle. It is about hope.

This chapter continues on, to invite those who cannot or refuse to bring God into their walk.

"Some of us reject religion of any kind and call ourselves either agnostics or atheists. It is important to hear that, whether we practice a particular religion or not, all of us are welcome in Al-Anon. Yet, when we approach Step Two, we may suspect that a group ideology will be revealed, and we will be forced to conform or leave. Instead the group's members turn us toward defining our own idea of a Higher Power, and we come to believe that such a Power could exist and might help us."

Paths to Recovery: Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts, p. 18

I LOVE THIS. All are welcome, no matter where you're at in your experience or what you believe. We do not have to go through this struggle alone. We have hope.

understanding the first step

"We admitted that we are powerless over alcohol -
 that our lives had become unmanageable."

AA/Al-Anon Step 1

As I mentioned in a previous post, I am struggling with the First Step. I sit in the Al-Anon meetings and I can see why this is such an important step for other people. Wives are lying for their alcoholic spouses, to their families, to his job, to herself. Parents are spending all their time and energy (and money) trying to get their kids clean. Adults who grew up in alcoholic homes spend their lives trying to gain or maintain control and/or learn to trust another human being and themselves. Their whole life is about covering up and centered on the addict.

None of these people are me. While I admit that I have had to spend a lot of time, energy and money this past month, I have still managed to connect with friends, to write and journal, and to take time for myself. I am managing to keep a cap on my medical costs (thanks in no small part to my health insurance). I feel like I have not gone completely crazy yet. (Although I suppose one of the hallmarks of being crazy is not knowing that you are.)

I've been reading a few paragraphs of Paths to Recovery: Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts every morning. This is a book that explains each of the Steps, Traditions, and Concepts in detail and explains how to work them. I am slowly beginning to understand that Step 1 is so much deeper than the words, on their surface, would lead you believe.

"The first word of the First Step illustrates an important concept to Al-Anon recovery: We are not alone....We who live or have lived with the problem of [addiction] understand as perhaps few others can. We, too, were lonely and frustrated, but in Al-Anon/Alateen we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the [addict] is still [using] or not. Just hearing those words may help us to feel that there is hope for us, too." (p. 7)

This is why you can find an Al-Anon meeting in almost every city, almost every night of the week. There aren't very many parents of addicted teenagers at the Al-Anon meetings that I have attended, but I have really been comforted by the few that I have heard share their stories. Some of the most comforting things I learned were that 1) it is not uncommon for kids to begin using in Junior High because that period of transition is so stressful for them and 2) Most of these parents - loving, involved, concerned, middle class parents like me - did not know or recognize that their kids were using until the problem became so out of control that their child could not hide it anymore and 3) everything I am feeling and going through is exactly what other parents are feeling and going through. Now I truly believe that I am not alone in this.

" [Addiction] is a family disease. This means '...the [addiction] of one member affects the whole family, and all become sick. Why does this happen? Unlike diabetes, [addiction] not only exists inside the body of the [addict], but is a disease of relationships as well. Many of the symptoms of [addiction] are in the behavior of the [addict]. The people who are involved with the [addict] react to his behavior. They try to control it, make up for it, or hide it. They often blame themselves for it and are hurt by it. Eventually they become emotionally disturbed themselves.' (Alateen - Hope for Children of Alcoholics) " p. 8

I see the truth of this paragraph when I look at my relationship with my daughter's father, my ex-husband. I think he and I have argued more in the past month than we did in the nine years we were married. Normally, we get along ok and work together to try to do what is best for the kids. But the issues around her addiction and the decisions about treatment have put us completely at odds with each other.

"In Al-Anon we discover principles that work for us and help us to relate to others. Al-Anon helps us learn new ways to have healthy relationships in all areas of our lives. Step One reminds us of our proper relationship with others - we are powerless over them. It places us in correct relationship with ourselves - when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives. Step One is the true beginning of our path to recovery." (p. 10)

I am powerless over my daughter.
I am powerless over my ex-husband.
I am powerless over addiction.

When I spend my time and energy trying to change those three things, I do not have time and energy for those things that I do have control (mainly myself) and *MY* life becomes unmanageable. It is now, in this new light, that I take the First Step.

using the 9th step to my advantage

In Al Anon, they use basically the same 12 Steps as Alcoholics Anonymous. You begin with step 1 and you go in order, only moving on when you have completely finished up the previous step.

I'm still struggling with step 1, ""We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable." My life is in total chaos, but I think I am managing just fine, thank-you very much.

In my quest to find my "home" meeting (the meeting that I attend most regularly and associate myself with), I went to a meeting the other night that focuses on the 12 Steps. (Many of the meetings have themes. For example, it may be a book study or the intended target group is adult children of alcoholics.) They were on step 9 that night, "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." While most members who shared spoke about making amends to people in their lives, one woman talked about making amends to herself; she began taking better care of herself.

I thought, Now that my daughter is in a safe place, I can make amends to myself as well. I took two days off work and am busy trying to make up for a month of neglect.

The first thing I did was clean my daughter's things out MY room and put them back into her room. When I caught her on the computer late at night, I took her doors off her bedroom and her closet. When I found out about the Eating Disorders, I took the door off her bathroom and hung up a curtain instead. When I found out she was coming home from the hospital, I packed up almost everything in her room (into those office, file folder boxes, 20 in all). All these things needed to be put somewhere and since my garage is already full and overflowing, I ended up moving them into my bedroom.

I work from home and my desk is in my bedroom, however, it isolates me from the rest of the house. When my daughter came home, I decided to move my desk out into the loft so that I could be more aware of what was going on with her and my son. While I accomplished exactly that, I also could hear every noise, every conversation that was going on everywhere because the loft is centrally located in the house. It DROVE ME CRAZY.

I tried noise cancelling headphones but they gave me a headache. When I had a teleconference, I had to ask everyone ahead of time to not watch TV and to keep the noise down. I record videos for work but there was no way I could do that in the loft. Occasionally I would take my laptop into my bedroom and try to work using a wireless connection, but I need a large screen due to the  nature of the work I do. Yesterday I spent three hours moving my desk and computers back into my bedroom. I am especially ecstatic to have doors and to be able to shut out the rest of the house.

And finally I have started exercising everyday and eating in a way that works for my body.

At first we were told my daughter could not exercise at all due to the ED but then they said she could exercise half an hour a day. So we would take walks and occasionally go to the gym. But now I have begun swimming and am enjoying the silence and rhythmic deep breathing that go with being under water.

When your child has ED, you avoid all mention of dieting and not wanting to eat this or that. When I planned meals, I tried to make things my daughter liked and I knew she couldn't resist. The problem is, I can't resist them either! When my daughter cooked, I always ate what she made, which frequently included homemade pasta and desserts. Now that  neither kid is home, I am back to eating very few refined carbs, enjoying mostly proteins, whole grains, salads and fruit.

Tomorrow I go back to work and I'm kind of glad. Two days off was just what I needed to recharge my battery.