gearing up for the madness

It turns out IOP is four hours a day, Monday through Friday. (sigh...)

Today we have to head east 30 minutes to go to IOP, then four hours later, head west 60 minutes to pick up my son from school and spend the evening with him. Then after dinner, we drive 45 minutes north to go to the Adolescent Narcotics Anonymous meeting held for alumni of the treatment program (my daughter's favorite meeting) and their parents support group (my favorite meeting). And finally another 45 minutes to drive back home, arriving at 10:00 p.m. just in time to go to bed.

One day at a time... (breathe...)

that the works of God might be displayed

"As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth.

His disciples asked him, 'Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents,
that he was born blind?' "

John 9:1, 2

It's been a tough weekend. It seems like each day I encountered another person who implied (or maybe I just inferred) that if I had been a better Christian, a better mother, that this would not have happened. I am seeing a pattern here - I only feel bad about myself, question my decisions, when I am interacting with religious people.

By the time Sunday evening rolled around, all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and pull the covers over my head. Fortunately I had made plans with a good friend, who ended up spending the evening lifting me out of the self-pitying funk that I was in. (Ironically, this person does not identify with any religion, which also fits the pattern...)

“ 'Neither this man nor his parents sinned,' said Jesus,

'but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.' "

John 9:3

Thank You, God, for sending your Son to be our example.

And thank you for all the wonderful friends, religious and not, who have shown me nothing but love and support.

what i would have said if i had had the words

My daughter shared this poem with me. It was given to her by one of the therapists at the Behavioral Med Center.

***

LISTEN!
Author Unknown

When I ask you to listen to me
And you start giving me advice,
You have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me
And you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
You have failed me, strange as that may seem.

All I asked was that you listen,
Not to talk or do  - Just to hear me.

Advice is cheap; twenty cents will get you
Both Dear Abby and Billy Graham
In the same newspaper.

And I can do for myself; I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering,
But not helpless.

When you do something for me
That I can and need to do myself,
You contribute to my fear and inadequacy.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,
No matter how irrational, than I can quit trying to convince you
And can get about this business of understanding
What's behind this irrational feeling.

And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when
We understand what's behind them.

Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes
For some people - because God is mute,
And He doesn't give advice or
Try to fix things.

He just listens and lets you work it
Out for yourself...

So please listen and just hear me.

And if you want to talk, wait a minute
For your turn and I'll listen to you.

a new parents' support group

Last night we (my ex-husband and I) checked out a parents' support group for parents who have or had their kids treated at this residential treatment facility over in the next county. I thought it was a very positive experience and the parents there had nothing but positive things to say about the program.

The Ex has been very reluctant about treatment for our daughter. He is not convinced that she has done drugs or has an eating disorder. He wants to believe that she is just saying all these things to create drama, to manipulate us. But I think he is finally accepting the fact that even if she is "just" lying as he thinks, that is indicative of very serious emotional and behavioral problems. Problems we are not equipped to handle.

One of the huge benefits of the meeting was that he was able to hear things from other parents that he has not been able to hear from me. As they talked about their kids, we heard echoes of what we have been experiencing with our daughter the past three years. And we got a glimpse of our future if we don't get this under control.

When we mentioned that our daughter was 14, one of the parents said "Its good that you caught this early" and I laughed out loud. Not because I thought she was an idiot but because, as ridiculous as that statement sounds, I totally believe it and agree with her. And I think only the parent of an addicted child can understand that.

I hope to put her into the program tomorrow but The Ex is still holding out. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

can i give you some advice?

It never ceases to amaze me how people are so eager to give you advice when it comes to parenting. It does not matter that

• they do not have children or
• their children are much younger than mine or
• that they have never experienced what I am going through or
• that they have zero training or professional experience in the thing with which I am dealing.

So I haven't told many people about what is going on with my family. I find that the things that most people say in response to my situation only angers me. I am self-aware enough to realize this has more to do with me not being in a good place rather than with them being complete idiots. But it angers me just the same.

So can I give you some advice?  If you know someone in crisis, and they aren't in immediate danger, keep your advice to yourself. Shut up and just listen. Hold my hand. Hug me. Make compassionate, comforting noises. But keep your advice to yourself.

I don't care that your brother-in-law's godmother's nephew's girlfriend went through the exact same thing. I don't care how they got through it. I don't care what they did to resolve it.

I don't need to know that you think I brought this on myself. That I was a terrible parent for not seeing the signs. That I made and am continuing to make all the wrong decisions.

You don't have to tell me that I need to do something. That I am in denial. That I am being selfish or not thinking clearly. Or that my attitude sucks.

I don't care if you think my child's therapist is crazy. Or that our case isn't "that bad." Or that you are questioning the validity or appropriateness of what we have been told to do or has been prescribed. Even if I ask for your opinion, unless you are a trained professional in the exact area in which I am suffering, keep it to yourself.

The best thing you can do is to listen, to encourage me to cry and vent and get my frustrations out. And to keep your advice to yourself.