leaving it in God's hands

There are only a handful of people in my religious community and my daughter's academic community who know about what is going on. One question that has come up frequently from people who are associated with the school is, "Who did she do drugs with?"

I struggle with what my answer should be. In the letter that my daughter wrote me when she entered rehab, she named names. Some of the kids are still attending that school. I assume the "right" thing to do is to turn over the names to people in authority and yet, something holds me back.

When I first learned about the drug use, I was desperate to protect my daughter; to make sure she never associated with her suppliers ever again. And so I asked her who she used with and promised never to tell anyone who they were. She gave me one name at that time, of a guy who was not returning to the school. I found that highly suspicious. In the letter the list is much longer.

On the one hand, I am reluctant to tell anyone because of the promise I made her, even though it is one I made in desperation. I feel like, if we are to have any hope of building trust, I must keep my word. On the other hand, I am fearful of what people's motivations are for asking me for the names or what they will do with the information.

My pastors and one of my closest friends who happens to work at the school have asked me to share the names so that they can help in their professional capacities. I believe these are the people who should know and I will encourage my daughter to tell them, herself, one day.

I struggle when other people ask, especially other parents. I understand the desire to want to protect your child. If someone knew my daughter was using, I would have wanted them to tell me. And yet, I still hold back.

I hate the thought that this might become gossip, serving no purpose than to make the gossiper feel self-righteous.
I am fearful that another family will be hurt by well-intentioned but clueless others.
And the last thing I want is to launch a crusader who feels they must now save us poor sinners.

I've decided the best thing for me to do right now is to trust that God will reveal to people what they need to know and when they need to know it. And to follow the Al-Anon principle of anonymity. Drug use is no one's business but that of the user and the people who love them. If God gives me the opportunity to share with the parents of one of the kids on the list, I will, and with no one else.

metaphor for my faith

This morning I woke up feeling 180 degrees from where I was yesterday when I wrote that I was "refreshed and energized." I got some disappointing news yesterday evening and I had been stressed ever since, trying to make difficult decisions. It never ceases to amaze me how life can change without even a moment's notice.

I decided to walk my dog to clear my head. Where we walk is relatively flat but there is a hill that is the toughest part of our daily hike. As I was huffing and puffing up the hill, a tiny, wiry grandmother whizzed past me on a bicycle that was way too small for her and I could tell from her muscular calves that this was a routine ride for her. She was wearing a small, colorful backpack that clearly was designed for a young child.

Normally I wouldn't think much about a bicyclist going by but just after she passed me, a small face popped out from in front of her body. It was a boy who looked to be about 5 years old, sitting on the front half of the seat, straining his neck so that he could see my dog for as long as possible, smiling from ear to ear. There is a school at the top of the hill and I imagine this is how this little guy is chauffered there every day. The whole image was soooo cute, it made me laugh out loud.

And I was suddenly flooded with a sense of peace and relief. I realized that this is exactly my life right now. It is up to me to meet my commitments, go about living my life but I am secure in the arms of my grandmother-God. She will carry my backpack for me and she has the strength and willpower (and the wheels) to carry us both up and over whatever hill is in our way, to get me where I need to be. My only responsibility right now is to enjoy the ride.

god answers my prayer

I'm happy to report that while God did not give me the serenity to accept the person I cannot change, He helped me change the person I can, which is me.

Thank-you for friends who have known you forever, know your history and your heartaches, and just happens to have had a few of her own along the way.

Thank you that she emails you at just the right moment especially since you've been out of touch for months.

Thank you that she picks up her phone when you call even though you are calling from your new phone which is a number she doesn't recognize.

Thank-you for friends who listen and sympathize and say just what you need to hear at this exact moment.

And thank you for friends who make you laugh at the craziness that has become your life because she understands that laughing about it puts everything into perspective.

god give me serenity

I am angry tonight.... seething, livid, frustrated... in a way that I have not been in months, maybe years.

I've been angry since I got home from dropping my daughter off at the residential living center. It has nothing to do with her, it's with other people, but I feel like screaming at everyone, kicking the dog (proverbially. I'd never do anything to harm my gentle, sweet dog). Throwing something.

So please God, give me serenity to accept the people I cannot change.
please.
please.
please.

what i would have said if i had had the words

My daughter shared this poem with me. It was given to her by one of the therapists at the Behavioral Med Center.

***

LISTEN!
Author Unknown

When I ask you to listen to me
And you start giving me advice,
You have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me
And you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
You have failed me, strange as that may seem.

All I asked was that you listen,
Not to talk or do  - Just to hear me.

Advice is cheap; twenty cents will get you
Both Dear Abby and Billy Graham
In the same newspaper.

And I can do for myself; I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering,
But not helpless.

When you do something for me
That I can and need to do myself,
You contribute to my fear and inadequacy.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,
No matter how irrational, than I can quit trying to convince you
And can get about this business of understanding
What's behind this irrational feeling.

And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when
We understand what's behind them.

Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes
For some people - because God is mute,
And He doesn't give advice or
Try to fix things.

He just listens and lets you work it
Out for yourself...

So please listen and just hear me.

And if you want to talk, wait a minute
For your turn and I'll listen to you.

just another day

It's Saturday. Normally we would be going to church but since my life is no longer "normal," my daughter and I are staying home today, for the second weekend in a row. I've been somewhat conflicted about what to do about church and the Sabbath. I'm not much of a "Sabbath-keeper" as it is, but now I feel even less motivated than usual.

I don't take my daughter to our home church any longer because I feel the need to keep her away from the other kids. Primarily, it is because I don't know from whom she got her drugs or with whom she partied. But also, she has gone through a lot of social turmoil over the last three years and I don't want to put her back into that mix until she has built up her confidence and learned new coping skills.

I could say that that is why I haven't been to church and leave it at that, but the truth is, I don't want to go. I'm not angry at God or the religion or anything like that. I have wonderful friends and acquaintances there and I'm sure, if they knew what was going on, they would be so supportive. But going to church means dressing up and smiling and making small talk and pretending like there is nothing wrong. Or it means having to talk  with friends who do know, about how we are coping and what we are doing. Neither of those options seems particularly appealing right now.

Some of my family members who are very conservative religiously, feel it's a mistake to neglect church at this point. Over the years, different family members have said to me, "You're going to do what you think is best," which is not meant as a compliment but is said out of exasperation because I am not doing what they are telling me to do. One person has told me more than a few times that we "are in this mess" because I am not running my household and raising my children the way the religion says I should.

The religion says I should be turning to God now, asking for guidance, praying for wisdom, putting my fate in His hands. My life experience says to explore my options, seek the help of professionals, go with my gut. By doing those things, I feel like I AM putting my fate in His hands, receiving His wisdom. I trust that God is with me even if I am not sitting in the pews on Saturday mornings and that He understands why.

sometimes god sends a full-belly laugh

So my daughter and I were sitting outside during the break at our Wednesday night NA meeting. She was looking through the calendar on my iPad when she noticed that I did not have her birthday on there, which is two weeks away.

I said,"I don't have it on there because I remember when your birthday is." She gave me one of those "yeah right" looks. I am embarrassed to admit that all too many times I have had to wait very impatiently outside the grocery store at 6 a.m., the morning of, for them to open so that I can buy a card.

So I said, "I guess I'm in denial."

To which she responded, "Admitting that you have a problem is the first step."

We both looked at each other for a second and then burst out laughing simultaneously.