leaving it in God's hands

There are only a handful of people in my religious community and my daughter's academic community who know about what is going on. One question that has come up frequently from people who are associated with the school is, "Who did she do drugs with?"

I struggle with what my answer should be. In the letter that my daughter wrote me when she entered rehab, she named names. Some of the kids are still attending that school. I assume the "right" thing to do is to turn over the names to people in authority and yet, something holds me back.

When I first learned about the drug use, I was desperate to protect my daughter; to make sure she never associated with her suppliers ever again. And so I asked her who she used with and promised never to tell anyone who they were. She gave me one name at that time, of a guy who was not returning to the school. I found that highly suspicious. In the letter the list is much longer.

On the one hand, I am reluctant to tell anyone because of the promise I made her, even though it is one I made in desperation. I feel like, if we are to have any hope of building trust, I must keep my word. On the other hand, I am fearful of what people's motivations are for asking me for the names or what they will do with the information.

My pastors and one of my closest friends who happens to work at the school have asked me to share the names so that they can help in their professional capacities. I believe these are the people who should know and I will encourage my daughter to tell them, herself, one day.

I struggle when other people ask, especially other parents. I understand the desire to want to protect your child. If someone knew my daughter was using, I would have wanted them to tell me. And yet, I still hold back.

I hate the thought that this might become gossip, serving no purpose than to make the gossiper feel self-righteous.
I am fearful that another family will be hurt by well-intentioned but clueless others.
And the last thing I want is to launch a crusader who feels they must now save us poor sinners.

I've decided the best thing for me to do right now is to trust that God will reveal to people what they need to know and when they need to know it. And to follow the Al-Anon principle of anonymity. Drug use is no one's business but that of the user and the people who love them. If God gives me the opportunity to share with the parents of one of the kids on the list, I will, and with no one else.

god answers my prayer

I'm happy to report that while God did not give me the serenity to accept the person I cannot change, He helped me change the person I can, which is me.

Thank-you for friends who have known you forever, know your history and your heartaches, and just happens to have had a few of her own along the way.

Thank you that she emails you at just the right moment especially since you've been out of touch for months.

Thank you that she picks up her phone when you call even though you are calling from your new phone which is a number she doesn't recognize.

Thank-you for friends who listen and sympathize and say just what you need to hear at this exact moment.

And thank you for friends who make you laugh at the craziness that has become your life because she understands that laughing about it puts everything into perspective.

the best thing people have said to me

So now that I've done my bitching about what not to say, can I tell you the best thing people have said to me? It was to tell me that 1) you are here for me 2) you want to know what is going on and how you can help, but 3) AND THIS IS THE BEST THING... you will not ask me about this situation, that we do not have to talk about it unless I bring it up.

What a relief (for me)! So good to know that this crisis is not going to be the definition, the all-consuming topic, the focal point of our relationship moving forward. That I can pretend or be in denial if that is what I need in the moment. That I can be who I was (before this happened) with you. That when this is all over, you and I will be the friends that we have always been.

Thank you for that.