leaving it in God's hands

There are only a handful of people in my religious community and my daughter's academic community who know about what is going on. One question that has come up frequently from people who are associated with the school is, "Who did she do drugs with?"

I struggle with what my answer should be. In the letter that my daughter wrote me when she entered rehab, she named names. Some of the kids are still attending that school. I assume the "right" thing to do is to turn over the names to people in authority and yet, something holds me back.

When I first learned about the drug use, I was desperate to protect my daughter; to make sure she never associated with her suppliers ever again. And so I asked her who she used with and promised never to tell anyone who they were. She gave me one name at that time, of a guy who was not returning to the school. I found that highly suspicious. In the letter the list is much longer.

On the one hand, I am reluctant to tell anyone because of the promise I made her, even though it is one I made in desperation. I feel like, if we are to have any hope of building trust, I must keep my word. On the other hand, I am fearful of what people's motivations are for asking me for the names or what they will do with the information.

My pastors and one of my closest friends who happens to work at the school have asked me to share the names so that they can help in their professional capacities. I believe these are the people who should know and I will encourage my daughter to tell them, herself, one day.

I struggle when other people ask, especially other parents. I understand the desire to want to protect your child. If someone knew my daughter was using, I would have wanted them to tell me. And yet, I still hold back.

I hate the thought that this might become gossip, serving no purpose than to make the gossiper feel self-righteous.
I am fearful that another family will be hurt by well-intentioned but clueless others.
And the last thing I want is to launch a crusader who feels they must now save us poor sinners.

I've decided the best thing for me to do right now is to trust that God will reveal to people what they need to know and when they need to know it. And to follow the Al-Anon principle of anonymity. Drug use is no one's business but that of the user and the people who love them. If God gives me the opportunity to share with the parents of one of the kids on the list, I will, and with no one else.

ignorance is bliss

Someone posted a comment on Facebook about a tv documentary on the horrors of doing drugs and suggested that all kids who are thinking about experimenting with drugs should watch it. I started to post a (somewhat angry) reply and decided that that was not the right place to vent my anger. So I am doing it here.

I don't believe drug use (and addiction) is a choice. I also don't believe it's a disease. (So now I've probably offended both ends of the spectrum on this topic.) Calling it a "choice" implies that the person is just doing this to piss you off. That they could stop if they wanted to. Calling it a disease like cancer or Alzheimers implies that it strikes anyone at anytime and we have no control over it; it removes all responsibility from the person who is using. Neither of these descriptions fit my newfound experience.

I believe it is a symptom. It's like why a person with a cold coughs or a person with osteoporosis breaks bones easily. It is a symptom that there is something terribly wrong in your life; that you do not have healthy coping skills or outlets for your pain; that you feel you have no control over the world around you and so you change the only thing you think you can which is your mind and state of consciousness. It is also why slogans such as "Just say no" and tv shows that try to scare you straight don't work. The only way to get better is to do the work: Go to meetings, go to therapy, talk about your pain, seek the support of others who have gone through the same thing and made it to the other side.

And to my young Facebook friend, I hope that your life goes smoothly, that you remain forever ignorant about what it means to have an addict in your life.

sending a clear message

Last night I went to an Al Anon meeting and one of the members shared how she had lost her house because she spent so much money on rehab for her son. It reminded me of a tough conversation I had with my daughter.

*** I've debated writing about this and am still not sure I should. When I started this blog, I decided I wanted to be honest and open about what we are going through. I don't put this out there as some kind of example and I'm sure people will think I was horribly wrong for what I said. But I'm putting it out there anyway.***

The day that I picked up my daughter when she was discharged from the hospital, I said "Things are very different in the house now." She replied, "I'm sure they are."

I told her,
You have a clean slate with me beginning today but make no mistake:
I find out you are using drugs again and I will turn you over to the police myself.
If I find drugs in my house, I will call the police and turn them and you over and let them take you away.
I will not allow myself to be arrested because you use drugs.
If you get arrested for drug use, I will not bail you out nor will I hire a lawyer for you.
If you end up needing hospitalization again, you will not be going back to a nice cushy private hospital. I will drop you in the county system so fast and leave you there.
If you step outside the front door without me or another responsible adult with you, I will call the police and report you as a runaway and let them take you.
I am not going to go broke trying to keep you clean.
I am not going to lose my house and become homeless because of you. I am not going to let [your grandparents] and your brother become homeless because of you.

I have rules in my house and if you do not follow them, I don't know what I will do but there will be grave consequences. I do not like to make idle threats, which is why I cannot say what I will do, but there will be consequences and you won't like them.

I love you and as long as you are doing what you are supposed to be doing, which is going to treatment, going to meetings, actually working the 12 steps, I will keep a roof over your head, drive you where you need to go, and pay your medical bills.

But the moment you stop going, the moment you stop participating and working on getting better, I will stop paying the bills. You can find another place to live.

And when you decide to become clean again, and abide by my rules, then you will always be welcome back home.

excuses to be in denial

I was looking over my last two postings and noticed that I used the words "our" and "us" totally without realizing it. Of course the first two words that popped into my head were "co-dependent" and "enabling." In Al Anon meetings, they tell you that the disease of addiction is the addict's disease and not to make it yours. But most of the time, people who say that are dealing with adult addicts. You are allowed to disengage from an adult who is destroying themself. I struggle from the other side. I have no problems saying "This is your problem, you deal with it." I've said it to many people over the years (maybe not out loud but by cutting myself off from them). As the mother of a minor, the law forces me to stay engaged.

Early on, I found myself saying it was "her" problem, that "she" needed to be fixed. But when a child becomes addicted, it is a family problem. I started forcing myself to use plural posessive pronouns to counteract my denial, to remind myself that we are in this together. And now I really believe it.

But talking about denial... It was a real struggle those first few days after my daughter came home from the hospital. We were supposed to go to three NA meetings a week. It was so hard to walk into a room full of hardcore addicts - people who had used cocaine and heroin for years, many who had been homeless, their bodies ravaged by the disease - and think that my beautiful, smart, talented daughter belonged there.

The first night we went to a meeting, we "suffered in silence" through it. The second night I was determined to find a meeting that felt more comfortable for us and we drove to three different locations, walking out of the first two even before the meeting started. The third one, conducted at a church in a quiet, middle class suburb, ended up being tolerable and that is where we go now for most of our meetings. Most of the people who attend here are still hardcore addicts but now I find them to be our best teachers.

Another excuse for denial is the words that were used. We couldn't go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting because alcohol was not her substance of choice. We couldn't relate to people who used cocaine and heroin because she didn't use those substances. (That statement is pure denial because she "did" try the harder stuff and more than once.) She wasn't an addict because she stopped using and said she didn't want to use any more. Besides, it was "just" marijuana and everyone knows that marijuana is not addictive.

But at every meeting, they end with the words, "Keep coming back. It works if you work it." And so we did. And when my daughter tried to tell me that she didn't belong in those meetings, with those people, I gently reminded her that she WAS an addict, even though I didn't really believe it either.

So last night I was thrilled to see my daughter stand up on her own when they asked people with 30 days to come forward, totally excited to be going up to get her chip. It was wonderful to see the other members crowd around her at the end and tell her how proud they were of her. And I thank God that in this moment, we are where we are supposed to be.